it all ends in 32nd street

**All my blogs can be found at my multiply site: www.lengskidoodles.multiply.com**

If you really want to change, you have to break from your routine and start from scratch.  Let go of everything and make everything fresh again.

I’ve been wearing my anklets for almost 2 years now.  They have never been taken off.  Reggie hardly notices it, so he was aghast when he realized how long it stayed on me.  It doesn’t suit me he said, with my personality and with the way I dress, so he asked me to take it off.  Besides, it’s quite unhygienic and I’m no longer a rebellious teenager—I deserve better accessories.

Like my anklet, there are things in my life I have to cut myself from.  If I want to change I need to break from the habit.

I’ve been hitting the gym for over a year now and I canceled my services effective October.  I’ve also been with Citi for over a year now and I’m entering my last week of work within my 30-day notice of resignation.  I’m going back to the corporate world and completely retiring from the call center industry.

I had a very hard time “changing” me.  I was too reckless.  If former President Cory Aquino were my mom, she would have also told me what she told Kris, “Kung gaano ka katalino sa school, ganun ka ka-bobo sa pag-ibig”.  Someone came in my life and told me, ”Babaguhin kita ha. Papayag ka ba?”.  I agreed because I want to straighten my life.  I didn’t think it would be that hard.  Now, all that’s left with me are scars of the past but I have more than enough zest to move forward.

The most important thing I learned is that no matter how many people come and go in your life, your family will always be a part of you.  I’m renewing myself for them—and for my future family.

It’s a huge gamble.  Before, I was too focused on proving everyone wrong about me but in reality you have to listen and be shaped by the people around you.  I loved gimmicks, vices and living the good life.  I was earning a lot and I am risking earning half of it.  But I’ve gambled a lot more when I rebelled before.

I lost the magis, the Ateneo culture.  I wrestled into the real world and as much as I lost the elitist that I am, I gained a bad sense of surviving the world.  Come to think of it, I lost myself already.  I’m just going back on track.

So what if I earn less?  I don’t even get to enjoy my fat salary because the stress and pressure of work prevents me from enjoying my life.  When I was in Ward Howell, I was earning minimum wage but I get to have Starbucks drinks almost everyday and I enjoyed shopping and taking bi-weekly facials.

So what if I don’t party anymore?  My only companions are the ones I work with; I hardly spend time with the people I have genuine friendship with.  I don’t get to spend time with my family and loved ones on weekends, most especially on holidays.

Like my anklet that needs to be taken off, I’m releasing myself from the ties that bind me and prevent me from growing.

A lot of things have been going on in my mind lately.  It’s a pretty good thing I have one goal in my head as of the present, and that is for me to fix my life and to pick up the pieces from my moments of self-destruction.  I realized that I am too old to live life like a rebellious college student and my regression caused by repression will only lead to more immature decisions. It’s about time I straightened my path.

My family and I are still not in good terms but at least we recognize each other’s existence now.  We don’t talk about anything personal anymore, with only minor slips of work related stuff.  Of course I don’t want to say things will not change until the end, and I hope we at least get to talk before I move out of our house.  I plan to live on my own effective June 2007.  I will be looking for a place to stay starting April 2007.

Why exactly do I want to move out?  It’s pretty obvious that Las Piñas is such a far place from the business district.  I don’t have any plans of working in Alabang because I feel it will hinder my social growth.  I spend around P3000 a month and 4 hours a day for transportation alone.  Sure, renting a place will make my expenses increase, but I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner here in Makati anyway so I guess my expenses will not soar… unless I spend on things I don’t really need.  The treatment I receive at home makes me feel like a boarder anyway.  No money can ever compensate for the health issues I face due to commuting, as well as my stress and tiredness.  4 extra hours of sleep a day is a big thing for me.  Moreover, I’m not used to living at home anymore.  Four years living on my own gave me a sense of independence, so returning home became a culture shock for me.  I don’t want to be bound in ball and chain either.  I want to do the things I want for a change.  Lastly, I don’t even contribute anything to our household, then I end up becoming another source of expense.  I hate that feeling.  I want to make it on my own, out of my own steam.

I have been rethinking this career for over 6 months now, and if before, Chelly and I would ask ourselves every single day how long I can stay in WHZMG, now I ask myself why I’m still here.  Almost all my superiors have come and gone, and the best people I have met are also leaving.  My plans are already settled, and that is to wait for profit sharing before I leave, but then again I have so many questions in my head that I want to rethink everything.  The salary, the lack of OT pay, the management, the regularization issues… the only reason why I am staying in this company is because of the atmosphere of the employees.  The setup is not that stressful until someone decides to make it stressful for all of us.  This is not the career I want, that I am completely sure.  I gained experience here but there is no growth here.  After Ward, I will am joining a head hunting firm again.  I want to work for the client.

I haven’t seen a lot of friends lately.  Since I hang out with Chelly a lot before, I tend to miss having lunch with her.  She’s really busy and I want that kind of work mode for a change!  I want to be busy again, the way I was in college when I had so much to do, left and right.  I seriously need a career change.  I miss talking to Cherry as well, and I sure want to know what’s going on with her love life, particularly about that new guy.  As mean as I may sound, she sure deserves someone better than _________!  I miss KalQ and Ge, Izelle, my basketball teammates especially Jacky, and of course Oliver.  I miss Toby as well.  He really listens to me and helps me out, especially during that time when I was a complete wreck in Ward, from personal to career problems.  Hay.  I love people who think deep and see what’s beyond the surface.

For some reason, I don’t miss my vices that much anymore.  I’m so not in the mood to drink or party either.

I want my life back.  I lost it during a time when I thought I was in control of my life for once.  But when I started letting go of my self-imposed rules and norms, I lost my identity.  I lost my mind as well.  And I had to lose it during the time when someone important came to my life… It’s a great thing he’s helping me become a better person.  I decided that I want to fix my life again because of him, and if I don’t want to risk losing him because of my stupidity.  I am complicated because I complicate things.  Sometimes I just want to sit down and breathe… rethink my strategies.  He doesn’t just take care of me; he helps me grow.  He wants me to be the best I can be.  There is a lot more to learn in this life… and he taught me that.  For the first time, I realized that there is hope.  I used to be such a pessimist but now I learned not to give up.  There will be a brighter future and a better tomorrow in spite of what we have at the present.  And with all the problems and challenges we’re facing, we’re in this together. 

And the best thing about this is that we love each other.

if only it were that easy…

i was just looking at my account earlier today, when i realized that all of my current testimonials include the lines "i miss you" or "i love you".  i feel loved! and i love and miss them too!

i have a lot of things to do for school. 2 weeks left. then a 1 month vacation. it’s the longest sem break i got, i think. then a really short xmas break. oh well. at least i am coping with school and i hope i get a decent grade. i can’t accept a C this sem. i know i won’t be in the dean’s list again.

i just came from a spontaneous children’s birthday party. i never liked children’s parties, except for mine. at least there was no spaghetti. i hate spaghetti’s at children’s parties.

i don’t want to graduate yet. i don’t want to leave ateneo. i don’t want to leave my nice life at the condo. i don’t want to leave studying like crazy for working like mad. i don’t want a rigidly scheduled life.

and i don’t want to lose touch with people i care about. that’s my biggest fear. i don’t want another high school graduation farewell incident.

Mag-ingat sa mga plastik.  They come in various forms.  they will kill you (way more than stabbing) behind your back.  They are very good actors, they can actually apply to several artista search contests and actually win.  that is, if they have the face.  unfortunately, some of them do not.  they think they are so good in being plastic that they won’t realize you are being plastic to them as well.  they think you don’t know.  they think they are so special.  little do they know that they are stupid in spite of their so called intelligence.  little do they know they are being killed in the back as well.  and that everyone’s talking about them.

mag-ingat sa mga plastik.  they could be everywhere.  maybe they are the ones you are talking to right now.  maybe they are the ones who spend time with and call barkada.  maybe they are the people you want to spend your life with.  maybe they are laughing at you right now.

be smart and stay alert.  kill them before they kill you.

i’m into deviance right now… and art photography.

there will always be people out there who will screw us up, intentionally and unintentionally.  sometimes, they are the people we least expect.  sometimes, we to understand them, that they are naturally good people and that bad situations just come (humanistic psychology).  but we can’t wait forever for them to change.

i’m not willing to tolerate, lest reinforce this BS.  the best i can do (simply to prevent violence) is to let that person know that i don’t give a damn about how you deal with your life (why not? if i tell you not to waste, will you even listen?).

anyway, there are still nice people out there… from high school people you don’t get to see everyday (karen!) to the people you jog with, then get tired with, then make reviewers with, discuss the hell of school, etc. (hehe!) and of course the nice Japanese foreign students who interact with you in spite of the fact you don’t understand anything without a proper translator. hay. they’re so cute.

green tea. yeah.

it’s 12:10 am, july 16 2005. i am 20 f*ckn’ years old. im so freakin’ old.

looking back at what happened during my past 19th year, i realized that it was my most industrious year ever.  i worked my *ss off and made it to the dean’s list after so many sems of not reaching it by less than 0.5.. i met the best people and the worst as well.. i fomally had a group i could call a group.. road trips were frequent.. i realized what i wanted in my life (career [yargh! shred!], love, family, life in general).. i laughed like in haven’t in years and i cried like i would die.. i experienced the best moments of my life and the worst as well.. and i realized life is too short for people to think ahead too much.. live life!