it all ends in 32nd street

A lot of things have been going on in my mind lately.  It’s a pretty good thing I have one goal in my head as of the present, and that is for me to fix my life and to pick up the pieces from my moments of self-destruction.  I realized that I am too old to live life like a rebellious college student and my regression caused by repression will only lead to more immature decisions. It’s about time I straightened my path.

My family and I are still not in good terms but at least we recognize each other’s existence now.  We don’t talk about anything personal anymore, with only minor slips of work related stuff.  Of course I don’t want to say things will not change until the end, and I hope we at least get to talk before I move out of our house.  I plan to live on my own effective June 2007.  I will be looking for a place to stay starting April 2007.

Why exactly do I want to move out?  It’s pretty obvious that Las Piñas is such a far place from the business district.  I don’t have any plans of working in Alabang because I feel it will hinder my social growth.  I spend around P3000 a month and 4 hours a day for transportation alone.  Sure, renting a place will make my expenses increase, but I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner here in Makati anyway so I guess my expenses will not soar… unless I spend on things I don’t really need.  The treatment I receive at home makes me feel like a boarder anyway.  No money can ever compensate for the health issues I face due to commuting, as well as my stress and tiredness.  4 extra hours of sleep a day is a big thing for me.  Moreover, I’m not used to living at home anymore.  Four years living on my own gave me a sense of independence, so returning home became a culture shock for me.  I don’t want to be bound in ball and chain either.  I want to do the things I want for a change.  Lastly, I don’t even contribute anything to our household, then I end up becoming another source of expense.  I hate that feeling.  I want to make it on my own, out of my own steam.

I have been rethinking this career for over 6 months now, and if before, Chelly and I would ask ourselves every single day how long I can stay in WHZMG, now I ask myself why I’m still here.  Almost all my superiors have come and gone, and the best people I have met are also leaving.  My plans are already settled, and that is to wait for profit sharing before I leave, but then again I have so many questions in my head that I want to rethink everything.  The salary, the lack of OT pay, the management, the regularization issues… the only reason why I am staying in this company is because of the atmosphere of the employees.  The setup is not that stressful until someone decides to make it stressful for all of us.  This is not the career I want, that I am completely sure.  I gained experience here but there is no growth here.  After Ward, I will am joining a head hunting firm again.  I want to work for the client.

I haven’t seen a lot of friends lately.  Since I hang out with Chelly a lot before, I tend to miss having lunch with her.  She’s really busy and I want that kind of work mode for a change!  I want to be busy again, the way I was in college when I had so much to do, left and right.  I seriously need a career change.  I miss talking to Cherry as well, and I sure want to know what’s going on with her love life, particularly about that new guy.  As mean as I may sound, she sure deserves someone better than _________!  I miss KalQ and Ge, Izelle, my basketball teammates especially Jacky, and of course Oliver.  I miss Toby as well.  He really listens to me and helps me out, especially during that time when I was a complete wreck in Ward, from personal to career problems.  Hay.  I love people who think deep and see what’s beyond the surface.

For some reason, I don’t miss my vices that much anymore.  I’m so not in the mood to drink or party either.

I want my life back.  I lost it during a time when I thought I was in control of my life for once.  But when I started letting go of my self-imposed rules and norms, I lost my identity.  I lost my mind as well.  And I had to lose it during the time when someone important came to my life… It’s a great thing he’s helping me become a better person.  I decided that I want to fix my life again because of him, and if I don’t want to risk losing him because of my stupidity.  I am complicated because I complicate things.  Sometimes I just want to sit down and breathe… rethink my strategies.  He doesn’t just take care of me; he helps me grow.  He wants me to be the best I can be.  There is a lot more to learn in this life… and he taught me that.  For the first time, I realized that there is hope.  I used to be such a pessimist but now I learned not to give up.  There will be a brighter future and a better tomorrow in spite of what we have at the present.  And with all the problems and challenges we’re facing, we’re in this together. 

And the best thing about this is that we love each other.